What Married Love Requires (Song of Songs 8:5-14)
Big Idea: Marriage requires a love that is costly and unbreakable, boundaries that protect the relationship, and a pursuit that never ends.
I’ve had the privilege of presiding over many weddings, and I love the entire journey. It's a joy to support couples from their engagement through premarital counseling to their wedding vows. I sometimes get to accompany them for years, seeing them build their lives, welcome children, and grow together.
As I watch couples drive away after their wedding, I often wonder about their future. Will they experience more of the better or the worse, more of the richer or the poorer, more of the sickness or the health? How will they handle the challenges, joys, and trials of building a life together, aging, and navigating marriage?
Three Requirements
We’re in the grand finale of the Song of Songs. It’s a bit of a grand finale. Every character in the Song appears in the end, just like they do in a play. You have the couple, their companions, the brothers, King Solomon, and the mother. As one commentator (R. Davidson) writes:
We are witnessing something like the curtain call at the end of a play or musical. One by one the leading characters come forward, take a bow, and through a characteristic action or by a few well chosen words, recall what has gone before.
Chapter 8 is a bit tricky. It’s very hard to trace the themes of this chapter with precision. But as best I can tell, this last part of the book ties some of the themes together and tells us three things that married love requires. They will vary from deep to practical, which reflects the essence of marriage.
What does married love require? Here’s the first thing:
An costly, unbreakable love (8:5-7)
Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?
Under the apple tree I awakened you.
There your mother was in labor with you;
there she who bore you was in labor.
(8:5)
"Who is that coming up from the wilderness?" echoes the wedding scene from 3:6, but now it’s just a woman returning to reality from the wilderness.
Every couple faces this transition. Almost every couple goes from the excitement of a new relationship to the drudgery of alarm clocks, work demands, laundry, and bills.
In the next few verses, you get an overview of everything that they’re going to face in their lives. It’s like their entire lives are collapsed into just a few verses:
- marriage in the first part of verse 5
- sex in the second part of verse 5
- children in the third part of verse 5
- and eventually death in verse 6
What will help them adapt to reality and support them throughout their lives? Verses 6 and 7 tell us. It’s one of the most profound passages not just in this Song but in all of literature:
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
(Song of Songs 8:6–7)
What do they need? Love. This love is strong, invaluable, and reflects both the best of human love and God's profound love for his people.
What kind of love do couples need?
Couples need a love that is enduring. It's as strong as death and as unrelenting as the grave. It’s a love that is both intense and permanent. Just as death is inevitable and the grave is inescapable, true love is unshakable and enduring. It’s not fleeting or conditional; it’s a force that holds fast through every circumstance. They're going to need this kind of love, because everything in life will try to extinguish your love for your spouse. You need a love that’s stronger than all of the challenges that will come your way. You need a love that’s as strong as death.
Second, couples need a love that’s fiercely passionate. It's like a blazing fire, the very flame of the Lord. They need a love that is both powerful and inextinguishable. This imagery captures love’s divine origin and also its consuming power. Love isn’t only a human emotion; it’s a reflection of God’s nature. It’s holy, passionate, and transformative, capable of igniting hearts and sustaining relationships through life’s challenges.
Third, couples need a love that’s priceless. No amount of wealth can buy it, and no flood can extinguish it. Love is beyond material value and human control. It’s a gift to be cherished, not a commodity to be traded or manipulated.
You need a love that is enduring, fiercely passionate, and priceless.
That’s all. Talk about a high standard! But that’s not elite-level marriage. That’s what every marriage is going to need.
Love is both a gift and a responsibility. If you get married, it is going to cost you all of your faithfulness, sacrifice, and devotion. It is going to cost you everything. Married love is a deep, lifelong commitment between one man and one woman, characterized by devotion and jealousy, lasting from their wedding until death. Nothing but the grave can separate two people who are thus joined together. If you haven’t married, don’t enter into this lightly. And if you are married, too late! This is what you’ve signed up for.
If you’re overwhelmed by this, then that’s very good. You should be. Notice what verse 6 says: that “its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.” This kind of love can only come from God. This kind of love reflects divine love. It previews Christ’s love for his bride.
Aren’t you glad that, if you are a believer, Jesus loves you this way? Jesus’ love perfectly embodies these three characteristics, revealing the depth and beauty of God’s love for us.
His love is death-defying in its permanence. Jesus didn’t just face death—He conquered it. On the cross, He bore the full weight of sin and death, and through His resurrection, He broke their power forever. Romans 8:38-39 reminds us that nothing—not even death—can separate us from the love of God in Christ. His love is unshakable, eternal, and unrelenting, holding us securely no matter what we face.
His love is divine in its passionate intensity. The cross is the ultimate display of this. Jesus didn’t go to the cross reluctantly, He went willingly, driven by a holy, consuming love for his people. Hebrews 12:2 says that for the joy set before him, he endured the cross. His love is not cold or distant—it’s fierce, sacrificial, and deeply personal. It’s the very flame of the Lord, igniting our hearts and transforming our lives.
Finally, his love is priceless beyond all earthly treasures. No wealth could ever purchase what Jesus freely gave. He left the riches of heaven, became poor for our sake, and gave his very life to redeem us (2 Corinthians 8:9). His love is a gift of infinite worth, offered to us not because we deserve it, but because of his grace. It’s a love that can’t be earned, bought, or measured. It’s simply to be received with gratitude and awe.
In Jesus, we see a love that is stronger than death, fueled by divine passion, and of immeasurable value. This is the love that saves us, sustains us, and calls us to love others in return. It’s the love that changes everything.
Jesus loves us this way. How do husbands and wives love each the same way? Marriages can reflect Christ's relationship with us by selflessly following God's commands in Ephesians 5, with the help of the Holy Spirit.
What will your marriage need? It will need a costly, unbreakable love. But that’s not all. It will need something else:
Boundaries with your family (8:8-10)
Verses 8 to 10 are very interesting. The bride’s brothers, who haven't been seen since chapter 1, return and are very protective of her. They think she’s too young to be married, and they’re keeping her away from any guy:
We have a little sister,
and she has no breasts.
What shall we do for our sister
on the day when she is spoken for?
If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver,
but if she is a door,
we will enclose her with boards of cedar.
(8:8-9)
They’re overprotective. They see her as single and needing protection even though she’s married.
This seems farfetched, but it happens a lot. Marriage changes family roles, and families often struggle to adapt to the new dynamics.
Fortunately, she knows how to speak up for herself:
I was a wall,
and my breasts were like towers;
then I was in his eyes as one who finds peace.
(8:10)
Here’s what she’s saying: I’m no longer a kid. I’m all grown up. In fact, I’m married. She’s in an intimate and satisfying relationship with her husband, and they need to butt out.
Often, I find, each individual has to speak to his or her own family to establish boundaries. Often, couples have to work hard together to figure out where the new boundaries will lie. Often, it means expressing something like what the woman told her family: "I’m married now, things have changed, and you need to accept my relationship."
What will married love require? A costly, unbreakable kind of love, and boundaries with your family. There’s one more thing that married love requires:
A lifelong pursuit (8:11-14)
The end of the Song is a bit puzzling. In verses 11 and 12, someone — probably the woman — compares their love to Solomon’s:
Solomon had a vineyard at Baal-hamon;
he let out the vineyard to keepers;
each one was to bring for its fruit a thousand pieces of silver.
My vineyard, my very own, is before me;
you, O Solomon, may have the thousand,
and the keepers of the fruit two hundred.
Here’s what I think she’s saying. King Solomon has a literal vineyard that he rents out to tenant farmers. But she has a metaphorical vineyard for her husband only, and it can’t be bought. She will only give it to her husband. Her love can’t be coerced, but she will give it freely to her husband.
And then the song ends, except it really doesn’t end:
O you who dwell in the gardens,
with companions listening for your voice;
let me hear it.
Make haste, my beloved,
and be like a gazelle or a young stag
on the mountains of spices.
(8:13-14)
I love this ending. This is the last we see of this couple. What are they doing? Listen to what Matt Chandler says:
We conclude much as we began: with pursuit, desire, and hope. The Song started with the romantic hope of, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!” (1:2) and ends with, “Keep leaping over those mountains! Get back to me! Keep pursuing me!”
What marks our relationships as men and women, husbands and wives, is the ongoing pursuit of one another for the glory of God and our eternal joy. Why? Because this is the way God designed it to work, and in God’s good design, our joy and his glory are found.
The song concludes with three essential elements for every marriage: a deep, enduring love, adjustments in family relationships, and a continuous pursuit.
Marriage is a beautiful gift, but it’s also a profound calling. It requires a love that is costly and unbreakable, boundaries that protect the relationship, and a pursuit that never ends. But here’s the truth: no marriage can thrive on human effort alone. Marriage love mirrors Christ's love for us—stronger than death, driven by divine passion, and invaluable.
If you’re married, the good news is that you don’t have to do this alone. Jesus’ love for you is the source and sustainer of the love you’re called to show your spouse. When you rely on him, he helps you love selflessly, establish healthy boundaries, and continually pursue your spouse with joy and commitment. And when you fall short, his grace meets you there, offering forgiveness and strength to begin again.
If you’re not married, this passage still points to the ultimate love story—the love of Christ for his people. Not many get to experience the kind of love described in this passage, but everyone who belongs to Jesus will.
God loves you with the living flame of love, and he’s always moving towards you so that it can burn more in your soul and replicate the same love within you. It is the flame of divine love that will take us through death to the other side, into the new creation. (Julian Hardyman)
Whether single or married, we all long for a love that is unshakable and eternal. That love is found in Jesus, who gave everything to make us his own. Trust in him, and you’ll find the love that sustains not just marriages, but every part of life. This is the love that changes everything.
