What Is a Marriage?

Many people think they know the answer, but I’ve found we’re often not as clear as we should be. What is a wedding, and what is a marriage?

It's important to base our understanding on what the Bible teaches to ensure it aligns with God's design. Lack of clarity about weddings and marriage leads to confusion in our personal lives, society, and the church.

In his book Christian Ethics, Wayne Grudem provides this helpful definition:

Marriage is… a lifelong relationship between a man and a woman that is established by a solemn covenant before God.

I’d add just one thing that he covers later in this book: that marriage takes place in a way that is recognized by society.

Here’s how I’d define marriage:

Let's break that down.

• Marriage is a covenant relationship. Wedding vows are sacred commitments. That’s why it’s not enough to express love at a wedding (although that’s nice). Promises must be made that must be kept as the feelings of love ebb and flow.
• Marriage is between a man and a woman. Same-sex attraction is not new, but the divine pattern is that marriage is a union between a man and a woman. This statement was uncontroversial until recently. I’m grateful for the many excellent books on this topic, like Sam Allberry’s Is God Anti-Gay? and Kevin DeYoung’s What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality?
• Marriage is established before God. God performed the first marriage in Genesis 2. In Matthew 19:6, Jesus says that God joins a man and a woman together in marriage. When a couple is married, it is ultimately God who joins them together.
• Marriage is a lifelong relationship. Again, in Matthew 19:6, Jesus says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” In Romans 7:2, Paul says, “For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives.” God intends for marriage to be a lifelong commitment.
• Marriages are recognized by society. When weddings take place in Scripture, they’re not private affairs. They’re public affairs in which the people in society recognize that a marriage has taken place. This looks different from culture to culture, but there is always a public element to marriage. In our culture, this usually means having a legally recognized official perform the wedding and registering the marriage with the government.

Clarity on marriage matters because our culture swims in confusion about it. Whether married or single, we attend weddings as witnesses to something specific. We need conviction about what we are affirming. We also need to support those we love who are married, and if we’re married, to know what our marriage entails.

Ultimately, each marriage offers a living portrait of Christ's covenant with his church.

I like what Ray Ortlund writes:

All churches… have a gospel-motivated obligation actively to teach and honor and promote marriage, for the display of the gospel in our world of confusion and despair. If we love the preaching of the gospel from pulpits, then we will also love the display of the gospel in marriages. Churches must not be neutral or casual about what so rejoices the heart of God.