What Happens at Home

In most professions, one’s personal life remains private. But pastoring is different. It's more than a profession, and how a pastor lives at home profoundly impacts his ministry.

According to Paul, what happens at home makes or breaks his ministry.

His marriage matters. An elder must be "the husband of one wife" (1 Timothy 3:2, Titus 1:6). This is perhaps the most disputed qualification on the list. At the very least, it means that the pastor is not a polygamist. He is maritally and sexually faithful to his wife. He is a one-woman man.

His parenting and household management matters. He must manage his household well (1 Timothy 3:4-5; Titus 1;6-7). His children are respectful and well-disciplined, not perfect but not habitually disregarding parental guidance. His children honor him, reflecting his loving and responsible spiritual leadership.

His hospitality matters. Hospitality is a relational qualification that often begins in the home. An elder must be "hospitable" (1 Timothy 3:2, Titus 1:8), opening his home and life to others. This shows a generous heart and a desire to serve, both publicly and privately.

According to Paul, the home is a proving ground for the pastor’s leadership (1 Timothy 3:5). If he can’t lead well at home, Paul writes, how can he be expected to lead God’s household, the church?

The pastor’s home, as they say, is his first congregation. His home life is his primary ministry and a test of his qualifications for leading the church.

To “succeed” in ministry and fail at home is to fail.

I find this challenging. Often, it seems that family and ministry are pitted against each other. Early in my ministry, I allowed the demands of ministry to take priority over the needs of my family. Later, our family went through a crisis. I had to make a choice: I prioritized my family, even though it was tough to step back from ministry. I spoke to my supervisor about the tension I faced. “If you don’t care for your family right now, you have no business being in ministry,” he told me.

We’ll never get the tension completely right, but if we’re not faithful at home, we can’t be faithful in our ministry at church.

We also have to allow the congregation to get to know our families well enough so that they are able to evaluate if we meet these qualifications. As people get to know us, they can learn what it means to be a faithful husband and father, and they will get a picture of the gospel in action.

These qualifications highlight that a pastor’s home life is not a separate sphere from his ministry; it is foundational to it. A healthy home models the gospel and provides credibility to a pastor’s leadership in the church. It’s a reminder that ministry begins with those closest to us.

What happens at home matters. We’ll never be perfect, but we can be faithful. It matters more than we think.