What Dating’s Like (Song of Songs 2:8-3:5)

Big Idea: Dating involves both the excitement of romantic pursuit and the challenges of managing powerful desires and resolving relationship issues before marriage.

The tricky part of a romantic relationship is the awkward in-between phase after romance starts but before marriage.

It’s exciting. In the first section of the Song of Songs, we learn that romantic love is a gift that brings intense desires that should be controlled. It's like a opening a dam. Once the fire of romance is kindled, it’s hard to keep that fire under control, which is why this phrase is repeated in the Song of Songs three times in 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4:

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.

What does the writer mean? Everything — your desires, your friends, culture — will stir up your desires for love and marriage. These desires are created by God, and they’re good. But be careful about stirring up these desires, not because they’re bad but because they’re so powerful. Be careful about awakening romantic and physical desires prematurely because they are so powerful. Love is a powerful gift, so use it with intentionality, respect, and care.

It’s implied, though, that eventually love will be stirred up, at least for many of us. What do we do then, especially in that period between when love’s awakened and when marriage takes place? That’s what today’s passage is about.

The Dating Phase

The couple in the Song of Songs is not yet married, but their love has awoken. It's essential to navigate this phase when love is strong, but marriage hasn't occurred yet. This passage teaches us about dating and the transition from love to commitment in marriage.

This phase teaches us important lessons. Although dating is a lot of fun, you will experience two particular challenges in this phase according to this passage. Here they are:

You will feel increasing desire that should not be satisfied yet.

Verses 8 to 17 are primarily about two things: the joy of the pursuit, and also the difficulty of waiting. That’s a pretty good description of what dating is like. It is fun, and it is hard.

Just a note as we begin to look at this section. Jim Hamilton argues, “This passage is one of the loveliest poems in all of the world’s literature.” It’s beautiful due to its literary style and its accurate depiction of this exciting yet challenging phase.

The passage begins with a description of how the woman sees her lover. Read verse 8 and the first part of verse 9:

The voice of my beloved!
Behold, he comes,
leaping over the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
My beloved is like a gazelle
or a young stag.

What does she see when she thinks of the one she loves? As one commentator says, she sees him as:

...faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than a locomotive, leaping over not only tall buildings but entire mountains in his eagerness to get to her… We can almost pick out the large S emblazoned on the chest of her Superman as he bounds like a gazelle or a young stag.

He’s graceful. He’s handsome. He’s strong. He’s fast. She’s in love!

The problem arises in the second part of verse 9:

Behold, there he stands
behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
looking through the lattice.

What’s the problem? He’s outside. There's a physical barrier between them. They long to be together, but they’re not yet, and it’s hard.

But then the man speaks. Read verses 10 to 13:

My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away.

This is beautiful. The man basically says two things. It’s springtime, which is traditionally a good time for love. He previously said not to stir up love, but now spring is here. It’s time for love. And so he says, twice, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.”

This seems to capture so much of what this phase is like. She idealizes him. He really wants to be with her. It feels like it’s time for love. But they’re separated.

We’ve seen the image that she has of him. Look at the image that he has of her in verse 14:

O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
in the crannies of the cliff,
let me see your face,
let me hear your voice,
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.

She seems him as a gazelle or a young stag. He sees her as a dove hiding in the rocks. She has a sweet voice and a lovely face, but she’s hidden.

What is the significance of her being a dove? One commentator (Iain Duguid) says:

Doves are timid creatures because they do not have much in the way of defence mechanisms: they don’t have claws or teeth, or even particularly speedy flight. For safety, they have to rely on hiding in inaccessible locations where, even if you can see them, it is hard to get to them.

There’s a picture of beauty and vulnerability there. They both love each other. They both want to be together. They desire each other. But she’s holding back. She’s hiding. It’s not that she’s not interested in him. But maybe she’s playing a little hard to get. There’s a pursuit.

And the pursuit seems to pay off in verses 16 to 17 when the woman says:

My beloved is mine, and I am his;
he grazes among the lilies.
Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle
or a young stag on cleft mountains.

She belongs to him. He belongs to her. There’s a voluntary mutuality and submission to each other. He’s grazing among the lilies. They’re ready for love. But then she says, “Turn, my beloved.” It's unclear if she's asking him to turn to her or to leave, but either way the problem is similar. They’re both longing for each other, but their longing goes unfulfilled. It’s not fully realized yet.

In the first 5 verses of chapter 3, the woman really desires the man. It’s another scene of longing and desire. She lies in bed, but she can’t stop thinking of him. She even goes out looking for him, which was not a safe thing to do for a woman at night! She eventually finds him, and then we read:

Scarcely had I passed them
when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
until I had brought him into my mother’s house,
and into the chamber of her who conceived me.
(Song of Songs 3:4)

Most commentators see this as a dream. She longs for him. She wants him. She longs for marriage. But they’re still apart, and she can only dream of the relationship that she desires with him. That’s why the refrain is repeated in verse 5: don’t wake up love until it’s ready.

This poetry beautifully captures the tension of dating courtship. Honoring God's design for sexuality in marriage leads to the balance of growing desire and necessary restraint, as described in these verses.

The space between singleness and marriage isn't extensively addressed in Scripture, yet it's a reality that many of us navigate. During this evaluation period, physical attraction and emotional connection intensify naturally. This passage illuminates what faithful courtship feels like: a heart increasingly drawn to another while honoring God's boundaries.

Expect frustration. It’s like driving with one foot on the gas and one on the brake. This tension isn't a sign of failure but evidence of both healthy attraction and godly commitment. Develop specific boundaries and accountability measures to navigate this season wisely.

Remember that dating relationships are a season of discernment before the covenant of marriage. Thoughtful boundaries protect your heart and ensure that intimacy is meaningful within the permanent commitment of marriage. Maintaining boundaries can be difficult, but this tension builds your character and prepares you for the deeper union that God intends.

Scripture speaks clearly on this matter. "Flee from sexual immorality," Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:18. This biblical instruction isn't about restricting joy, but preserving it. God created sex as a beautiful gift to be celebrated and enjoyed within the protective bonds of marriage. The original Greek term for "sexual immorality" encompasses any sexual expression outside marriage. Sexual intimacy reflects the emotional and spiritual connection formed through a lifelong commitment.

For those who aren't married, sexual activity remains a treasure to be anticipated, not prematurely unwrapped. If you've already crossed boundaries you wish you hadn't, grace abounds and a fresh start awaits you today. Establishing healthy boundaries involves more than just avoiding certain activities; it also means being aware of behaviors that increase desires that can't yet be fulfilled properly. These boundaries exist not due to a lack of value in intimacy, but because it's so precious that God has reserved it for the safety and commitment of marriage.

One writer observes:

This can obviously be very difficult when dating. Sexual attraction and arousal are natural and normal parts of a dating relationship; in fact, it would be surprising if there were no attraction. It’s part of how God’s made you. We’re not told to flee from sexual attraction; we’re told to flee from sexual immorality. This is why it’s so important for couples to talk about physical boundaries in their dating relationship. While physical boundaries won’t save you from everything, talking about boundaries and putting them in place becomes a healthy expression of the purity that you desire for each other. Talk about why purity matters; talk about why you want to honour Jesus, and why it would be really precious to guard and look after each other in this way. (Water for my Camels)

Remember, you’re not married yet. You will feel the tension of unfulfilled desire, and that’s part of this season. Set clear safeguards. Take this seriously. Sexual sin is not only disobedience to God but a trap that can ensnare, wound deeply, and leave lasting scars. Yet, God offers both healing and forgiveness. His grace is greater than our failures, but the cost of sin is real. Guard your heart and honor him.

Dating is exciting and fun, but it will awaken desires that should not yet be fulfilled. There’s one other challenge you will face when you date.

You will face the challenge of issues that can derail your relationship.

Read 2:15:

Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.

Here’s what you will find in every dating relationship: foxes. What do foxes do? This verse tells us. They spoil vineyards. In the springtime, the new growth on vines is fragile and easily damaged. You’ve got to protect the vines from foxes so that the new growth is protected.

It’s the same in dating relationships too. The foxes represent threats to their relationship. They’re obstacles to that relationship developing.

The text never defines what these foxes are, but we can guess what some of them might be:

• Pride
• Selfish desires
• Extended family members
• Former lovers
• Unresolved baggage
• Sinful habits

John Henderson writes that the author of the Song of Songs:

…knew that selfish appetites and false idols at work in his heart and the heart of his bride had to be identified and driven away in order for their marital love and affection to grow and blossom. Enemies to a God-honoring union had to be ushered out. If the grapes of their vineyard were to fully ripen into marital fruitfulness, then dangers had to be cornered and fenced off.
Surely Solomon was speaking to the condition of their souls and not to actual physical land. He pointed to potential dangers in their relationship, not to the quality of their wedding decor.
…The critical labor for which He called was not external and physical but internal and spiritual. This remains true for us today. The most vital preparation for marriage is internal.

That is some of the hard work that has to take place during dating. You will need to sort through the issues — many of them in your heart — that could derail your relationship. Dating will reveal the issues in your heart that need to be dealt with if you’re going to proceed in your relationship.

Let me close this off and think about what this Song means for us so far.

If you're single, avoid rushing into a romantic relationship, as it can create intense emotions that are difficult to manage. Let love remain dormant until it’s ready, because it’s a good but overwhelmingly powerful gift. Be content with your singleness for as long as God has you single.

When dating, you're assessing if the person is a suitable marriage partner. Dating is enjoyable, but you will encounter two challenges: unfulfilled desire and other issues that can disrupt your relationship.

This is what dating looks like. Fun, but also with some significant challenges that need to be overcome. Dating combines the thrill of romance with the challenges of handling desires and resolving relationship problems before marriage.

Let me close by making three applications.

First, we need help from others as we go through this phase. These challenges we've discussed are serious enough that you shouldn't face them alone. You need brothers and sisters who know you and can help you through these challenges. You need people who can remind you that you’re not married yet and assist you in addressing any internal conflicts that may pose challenges. If you don’t have brothers and sisters like that, you need them. We’d love to talk to you about how you can get more connected in this church so that you’re not going through these challenges alone.

Second, we need God’s help. I’ve been talking this morning about not giving in to very strong desires, and in dealing with heart issues. Only God can give you the self-control you need. Only God can forgive your failures and your sins and your stumbles. God can help you root out the issues of your heart that need to be addressed. You need the grace and power that is available to you through Jesus. Receive the grace you need not just as a dater but as a sinner who needs God’s grace.

Finally: pay attention to some subtleties in this text. Have you noticed how much garden imagery takes place in today’s passage? The song seems to take us back to the Garden of Eden, suggesting a deeper love than what we can currently experience. Yes, he’s talking about a man and a woman in love, but as he does so he points us to a desire that’s even stronger than that between a man and a woman. Romantic love is a shadow of the greater love that we have in Jesus.

I like what Julian Hardyman writes. If you have Christ’s love but don’t have a human relationship of romantic love and intimacy:

…you still have infinitely more than someone who is happily married with children and lots of friends. Infinitely more. If you are married, and/or have children and lots of friends, Christ is infinitely more precious and beautiful than any of them, good though those relationships are. Desire is God-given and leads us to Christ.

All love leads to him, and he is the one who will guide us through challenges and fulfill our deepest desires.