Forgiving Others (Philemon)

Big Idea: Forgiveness requires changing your mindset, accepting the person, addressing the damage caused, and experiencing healing to restore relationships and spiritual freedom.

Last week we began to talk about the subject of forgiveness. Forgiving those who have wronged us is essential for a believer. We are to forgive others as lavishly and completely as God has forgiven us, and from the heart.

This morning we're going to look at four steps to forgiving others. You might have left last week thinking, "Okay, I'll forgive, but tell me how." Forgiving an abuser or an unfaithful partner raises practical questions. How do you manage the emotional aspect of forgiveness? What if someone knows you'll forgive them, and therefore takes advantage of you? When should we confront someone, and when should we just let it go? And what about restitution?

We'll have our hands full this morning as we look at four steps to forgiving others. At the end of this message, I'm going to give you a chance to respond in obedience to what we'll learn. But before we start, let's ask for God's help in approaching this subject.

Father: Your Word says:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)

And yet these words are so difficult to live out. I know that there are very real situations that many of us are facing, in which forgiveness seems completely impossible. So I pray that you will do a miracle today. I pray that some hearts held captive to bitterness would be set free today. And I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.

This morning I'd ask you to turn to the book of Philemon. Philemon is hidden away somewhere in your Bibles, after Titus and before Hebrews. It's a unique book in a number of ways. It's one of the shortest books in the New Testament. It's the briefest of the apostle Paul's surviving letters, and also the most personal. It's a personal letter that the church is purposely allowed to overhear. And it's also a great case study on how forgiveness should operate. Although the word "forgiveness" isn't used in Philemon, the book effectively illustrates the concept. But it's also a frustrating book. It's like entering a movie halfway, trying to understand the characters and plot, then leaving before it finishes.

So let me try to fill you in a little on what's going on in this book. The book features three main characters: a runaway slave, an angry slave owner, and a godly apostle. The slave's name was Onesimus, and he had run away from his master and fled to Rome. Rome was a haven for runaway slaves, because there you could get lost in the crowds and avoid being detected. In Rome, Onesimus met the apostle Paul and converted to Christianity through his ministry. That's the first character.

The second character is Philemon, the Christian slave owner. You need to know that the system of slavery in those days was far different from what we think of as slavery. At its best, it was a type of employment for a set period of time.

In theory, slaves resembled employees. They enjoyed a higher standard of living than most freemen. Eventually, a slave would purchase his freedom. Many became like close family members. Roman slavery wasn't inherently wrong; it shared similarities with modern employment, but there were significant abuses.

When Onesimus fled from Philemon, slavery had largely devolved into an abusive and immoral institution. Slaves were protected by no laws. In the first century, anyone could do whatever he wanted to a slave. And so a slave who ran away would be branded with an F, flogged, or even killed. Philemon would have been expected at the very least to give Onesimus a beating that he would never forget.

So you have the very uncomfortable position of having a Christian slave owner whose runaway slave had become a Christian. And according to the principles we looked at last week, it's clear that Philemon had no choice. Refusing to forgive Onesimus would contradict how Christ forgave him.

Let's stop here and just remind ourselves how difficult it is to forgive in a real-life situation. C.S. Lewis said, "We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it."

Steps to Forgiving Others

How can we forgive when we're wronged, and everyone says we have a right to seek revenge? What can we do? Here, we discover four steps to forgiving others.

• One: Change your thinking.
• Two: Accept the person.
• Three: Deal with the damage.
• Four: Experience the healing.

Change your thinking.

When we begin to forgive another person, the first thing that we need to deal with is our thought life. I've discovered that the way we think determines the way we feel. And if we're to change the way we feel about another person, we need to begin by changing the way we think. Paul begins his letter to Philemon by trying to shift his perspective on Onesimus to encourage forgiveness.

How did Paul try to change Philemon's thinking?

My plea is that you show kindness to Onesimus. I think of him as my own son… Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good—no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord. (Philemon 1:10, 15-16)

The very first thing that Paul did was to change Philemon's thinking about the matter. Philemon needed to see Onesimus not just as a runaway slave, but as a new brother in Christ. Second, to see God's purpose in what happened – to recognize that God used what to bring glory to himself.

I find that when I'm faced with the need to forgive someone, the first battle I have to win is the battle of my own mind. I talked last week about the day that a deacon stood nose to nose with me, shouting at the top of his voice, accusing me of all sorts of things that weren't true. Don't worry – it wasn't at Richview; don't look around to see who it was. I entered the meeting aware of the issues to address and hopeful for progress. As that deacon stormed out of the meeting, it was as if my world came crashing down around me.

I clearly remember the aftermath and how deeply it affected my soul, as well as the significant damage it caused to the church for the next six months until God brought healing. I realized that my biggest challenge wasn't to clear my name or ease tensions in the church, but to forgive him in my own mind for what happened. Until I did that, nothing else I could do would make a difference.

I didn't feel like forgiving him. And mingled in my mind were all sorts of bitter thoughts and accusations against him. But I asked God to begin to change the way I was thinking. I began to pray for that man – I didn't feel like it, but I did in response to Christ's command. "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…" (Matthew 5:44). And slowly my thoughts began to change.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I began to see the hurt that this man was going through. I began to understand the things in his life that had led him to act as he did. I began to see the good that God was bringing out of the situation. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I began to actually feel bad for the pain that man was going through. One day I bumped into him at the mall. We talked—in fact, he acted like nothing had ever happened. I left the meeting knowing it was a part of my history and felt no bitterness toward that man. I had forgiven him.

Forgiving someone isn't easy, but it starts with changing your thoughts about them. Remember that every wrongdoing against you is an even greater offense to God. If God can forgive them, who are you to deny forgiveness? Think of the fact that God has forgiven you a six billion dollar debt; who are you not to forgive a $10,000 debt? Think about God's purposes in allowing the offense to happen; see the good that God brings from every bad situation. Trust God as the judge; see your responsibility as to forgive, and God's responsibility to handle the judgment. Ask God to change your thinking. It's what Philemon had to do. It's the first step and it's absolutely necessary.

Accept the person.

"So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me" (Philemon 1:17). The word welcome means to accept as part of one's home or circle of acquaintances. The second step is to accept or to receive the person back; to restore the relationship. When you start to view someone who has wronged you differently, it’s important to communicate that change to them. You need to accept them.

How do you accept someone after they've wronged you? Well, the first thing is that you've got to refuse to hold a grudge. A grudge is defined as "a feeling of resentment or ill will, especially one lasting for a long time." When you accept a person once again, you've got to stop holding a grudge against them. Paul says, "Don't hold a grudge. Instead, treat him as a brother."

Second, you've got to refuse to retaliate. Remember: Philemon could have legally beaten or even killed Onesimus. But clear within this letter is a plea not just to forgive Onesimus, but to receive him as a brother. Refuse to retaliate when someone wrongs you. (Luke 6:33) And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. (Luke 6:35) But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

Third, you've got to extend full and complete forgiveness. Forgive them in the same way that God has forgiven you. God never brings up past wrongs. God never brings up what you've done to other people. To truly forgive someone, you must accept them, let go of grudges, refuse to retaliate, and offer complete forgiveness.

Deal with the damage.

"If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back—not to mention that you owe me your very self. (Philemon 1:18-19)

Paul gives a legally binding pledge that he will cover anything that Onesimus had stolen. It's surprising that anyone would have agreed to cover another person's debts, especially a slave's, during that time. True forgiveness deals honestly with the damages that have been done.

I love what one man writes: "Forgiveness does not mean that we ignore what happened. It means that we still relate to the person in spite of what happened and also in light of what happened" (David Garland). True forgiveness doesn't excuse sin – we still must face sin and our anger. It doesn't minimize the wrong. The offense was real, and we can't just sweep it under the carpet.

There might be times when, besides forgiving the other person, you need to also deal with the damage that has been caused by the wrongdoing. I forgave my deacon, but I still had to deal with the damage. In spite of the fact that I forgave him, I also knew that I would never put him in a place of leadership again. You can forgive a child abuser, but that doesn't mean that you put him in charge of children again. You can forgive a cheating spouse, but your relationship will change forever, and you’ll likely need to adjust how you interact. Forgive them fully, but also acknowledge the damage caused by their actions.

Experience the healing.

We don't know what happened with Philemon and Onesimus. Only heaven will reveal the full truth about the end of the story. The inclusion of this letter in the Bible suggests that Philemon forgave Onesimus. Tradition has it that not only was Onesimus forgiven, but he later became pastor of the church in Ephesus.

But I'll tell you one thing. If Philemon forgave Onesimus, the true beneficiary was Philemon, not Onesimus. That act of forgiveness had a significant impact on the early church, as well as on Onesimus and Philemon.

This morning, I invite you to seek blessings by following the guidance in the book of Philemon, which emphasizes the importance of forgiveness. Your heart will be set free, and you'll never be the same. Change your thinking. Accept the person. Deal with the damage. Experience the healing.

I want to invite you to respond this morning with a commitment. I don't want this to be a message that we hear and file away. It's time to forgive. I'm going to ask everyone in this auditorium to close their eyes. I'd like to pray a prayer with you this morning if you would like to take the four steps outlined this morning.

Let's pray. Father, it's time to forgive. I don't know what the situations are here that call for forgiveness, but I know that your calling is clear. Forgiveness is not optional. And this morning there are many of us in this room who need to forgive. Our hearts will never be set free until we take that radical step of forgiving another person for the wrong that they have done to us. So right now I invite people to stand, right where they are, and by the simple act of standing pledge to you that they will forgive others.

Lord, thank you for these people who are standing. I pray that today would mark a new day for them. I pray that they would indeed be able to change their thinking about the person they need to forgive. I pray they can forgive those who have wronged them, let go of grudges, and avoid retaliation. I pray for wisdom for them as they handle the damage caused by the offense, that they won't downplay it but will respond thoughtfully. And I pray, most of all, that they would experience the blessings of forgiveness. Right now, as they're standing, set their hearts free. Bring them healing. Make this a day that they'll never forget.

I'll ask everyone to stand at this point. Father, for everyone who is here, we pray for your grace and forgiveness to operate in their lives. We pray that every single person here will have experienced your forgiveness, and so be able to forgive other people. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Next week, we'll discuss practical questions about forgiveness and the blessings it brings.