Forgiving Others

Forgiving Others (Philemon)

last week we began to talk about the subject of forgiveness
if you were here, you came to realize that forgiving those who have wronged us is not optional for the believer
we are to forgive others as lavishly and completely as God has forgiven us, and from the heart
this morning we're going to at four steps to forgiving others
you might have left last week thinking, "Okay, I'll forgive, but tell me how"
I know that when you think of forgiving an abuser, an unfaithful spouse, or someone who has hurt you either deeply or repeatedly, a number of very practical questions come to the fore:
how do you handle the emotional side of forgiveness?
what if someone knows you’ll forgive them, and therefore takes advantage of you?
when should we confront someone, and when should we just let it go?
and what about restitution?
we’ll have our hands full this morning as we look at four steps to forgiving others
at the end of this message, I’m going to give you a chance to respond in obedience to what we’ll learn
but before we start, let’s ask for God’s help in approaching this subject
Father:
your Word says:
(Colossians 3:12) Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
(Colossians 3:13) Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
(Colossians 3:14) And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
and yet these words are so difficult to live out
I know that there are very real situations that many of us are facing, in which forgiveness seems completely impossible
so I pray that you would do a miracle today
I pray that some hearts held captive to bitterness would be set free today
and I pray this in Jesus’ name
Amen.
this morning I’d ask you to turn to the book of Philemon
Philemon is hidden away there somewhere in your Bibles, after Titus and before Hebrews
it’s page 1344 in your pew Bibles
it’s a unique book in a number of ways
it’s one of the shortest books in the New Testament
it’s the briefest of the apostle Paul’s surviving letters, and also the most personal
it’s a personal letter that the church is purposely allowed to overhear
and it’s also a great case study on how forgiveness should operate
even though the word forgiveness is never mentioned in Philemon, this book puts flesh and bones on the subject of forgiveness
but it’s also a frustrating book
it’s a little like walking into the middle of the movie and having to figure out the characters and plot, and then leaving before the end of the movie
so let me try to fill you in a little on what’s going on in this book
there are three main characters that we meet in this book: a runaway slave, an offended slave owner, and a godly apostle
the slave’s name was Onesimus, and he had run away from his master and fled to Rome
Rome was a haven for runaway slaves, because there you could get lost in the crowds and avoid being detected
but somehow, while in Rome, it appears that Onesimus came in contact with the apostle Paul and became a Christian as a result of his ministry
that’s the first character
the second character is Philemon, the Christian slave owner
you need to know that the system of slavery in those days was far different from what we think of as slavery
at its best, it was a type of employment for a set period of time
the slaves theoretically were like employees
they enjoyed a higher standard of living than most freeman
eventually a slave would purchase his freedom
many became like close family members
Roman slavery was not inherently wrong – it in fact has many similarities to our system of employment – but abuses developed
at the time Onesimus ran way from Philemon, most slavery had become abusive and immoral
slaves were protected by no laws
in the first century, anyone could do whatever he wanted to a slave
and so a slave who ran away would be branded with an F, flogged, or even killed
Philemon would have been expected at the very least to give Onesimus a beating that he would never forget
so you have the very uncomfortable position of having a Christian slave owner whose runaway slave had become a Christian
and according to the principles we looked at last week, it’s clear that Philemon had no choice
to refuse to forgive Onesimus would have been in gross violation of the way he himself had been forgiven by Christ
let’s stop here and just remind ourselves how difficult it is to forgive in a real-life situation
C.S. Lewis said, "We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it"
when we’re faced with a situation in which we’re wronged, and everyone around us says that we have a right to take revenge, how can we forgive?
what can we do?
here we discover four steps to forgiving others
one: change your thinking
two: accept the person
three: deal with the damage
four: experience the healing
STEP ONE: CHANGE YOUR THINKING
when we begin to forgive another person, the first thing that we need to deal with is our thought life
I’ve discovered that the way we think determines the way we feel
and if we’re to change the way we feel about another person, we need to begin by changing the way we think
when Paul writes to Philemon, and begins to convince him to forgive Onesimus, the first thing that he tries to do is to change the way Philemon thinks about Onesimus
how did Paul try to change Philemon’s thinking?
(Philemon 1:10 NLT) My plea is that you show kindness to Onesimus. I think of him as my own son…
(Philemon 1:15) Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good--
(Philemon 1:16) no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord.
the very first thing that Paul did was to change Philemon’s thinking about the matter
Philemon was supposed to think differently in two ways:
first, to recognize Onesimus not as just a runaway slave, but as a new brother in Christ
second, to see God’s purpose in what happened – to recognize that God used what to bring glory to himself
I find that when I’m faced with the need to forgive someone, the first battle I have to win is the battle of my own mind
I talked last week about the day that a deacon stood nose to nose with me, shouting at the top of his voice, accusing me of all sorts of things that weren’t true
don’t worry – it wasn’t at Richview; don’t look around to see who it was
I had walked into that meeting realizing that there were issues to be resolved, and very hopeful that we would make good progress
as that deacon stormed out of the meeting, it was as if my world came crashing down around me
I remember the aftermath of what happened very clearly – the damage it did within my own soul, and then the intense damage it did to the church over the next half a year before God brought healing
I soon began to realize that the main battle I was going to have to win was not the battle to vindicate myself, it was not going to be the battle to smooth the waters in the church – the primary battle I would have to win was within my own mind in forgiving him for what happened
until I did that, nothing else I could do would make a difference
I didn’t feel like forgiving him
and mingled in my mind were all sorts of bitter thoughts and accusations against him
but I asked God to begin to change the way I was thinking
I began to pray for that man – I didn’t feel like it, but I did in response to Christ’s command
(Matthew 5:44) But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…
and slowly my thoughts began to change
instead of feeling sorry for myself, I began to see the hurt that this man was going through
I began to understand the things in his life that had led him to act as he did
I began to see the good that God was bringing out of the situation
instead of feeling sorry for myself, I began to actually feel bad for the pain that man was going through
one day I bumped into him at Cloverdale Mall
we talked – in fact, he acted like nothing had ever happened
and I walked away from that meeting realizing that it was part of my history, and that I carried no bitterness in my heart towards that man
I had forgiven him
I don’t pretend that it’s easy, but if you want to forgive someone, you need to begin thinking differently towards them
think of the fact that every sin against you is an even greater offense against God; if God forgives them, who are you to withhold your forgiveness?
think of the fact that God has forgiven you a six billion dollar debt; who are you not to forgive a $10,000 debt?
think about God’s purposes in allowing the offense to happen; see the good that God brings from every bad situation
trust God as the judge; see your responsibility as to forgive, and God’s responsibility to handle the judgment
ask God to change your thinking
it’s what Philemon had to do
it’s the first step and it’s absolutely necessary
STEP TWO: ACCEPT THE PERSON
(Philemon 1:17) So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me.
the word welcome means to accept as part of one’s home or circle of acquaintances
the second step is to accept or to receive the person back; to restore the relationship
once you begin to think differently about the person who has wronged you, there comes a time when that behavior must be shown to the other person
you need to accept them
how do you accept someone after they’ve wronged you?
well, the first thing is that you’ve got to refuse to hold a grudge
a grudge is defined as "a feeling of resentment or ill will, especially one lasting for a long time"
when you accept a person once again, you’ve got to stop holding a grudge against them
Paul says, "Don’t hold a grudge. Instead, treat him as a brother"
second, you’ve got to refuse to retaliate
remember: Philemon could have legally beaten or even killed Onesimus
but clear within this letter is a plea not just to forgive Onesimus, but to receive him as a brother
refuse to retaliate when someone wrongs you
(Luke 6:33) And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that.
(Luke 6:35) But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
third, you’ve got to extend full and complete forgiveness
forgive them in the same way that God has forgiven you
God never brings up past wrongs
God never brings up what you’ve done to other people
if you’re going to forgive someone, you’ve got to get to get to the point that you accept them – you don’t hold a grudge; you refuse to retaliate; you offer them full and complete forgiveness
STEP THREE: DEAL WITH THE DAMAGE
(Philemon 1:18) If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me.
(Philemon 1:19) I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back--not to mention that you owe me your very self.
Paul gives a legally binding pledge that he will cover anything that Onesimus had stolen
this is astounding – few would have been willing in those days to cover the debts another had incurred, especially a slave
true forgiveness deals honestly with the damages that have been done
I love what one man writes:
"Forgiveness does not mean that we ignore what happened. It means that we still relate to the person in spite of what happened and also in light of what happened" (David Garland, NIV Application Commentary on Philemon)
true forgiveness doesn’t excuse sin – we still must face sin and our anger
it doesn’t minimize the wrong
the offense was real, and we can’t just sweep it under the carpet
there might be times when, besides forgiving the other person, you need to also deal with the damage that has been caused by the wrongdoing
I forgave my deacon, but I still had to deal with the damage
in spite of the fact that I forgave him, I also knew that I would never put him in a place of leadership again
you can forgive a child abuser, but that doesn’t mean that you put him in charge of children again
you can forgive a spouse for cheating you, but your relationship will have changed forever, and it is very likely that you will have to make changes in the way you relate
listen to me: still forgive them fully and completely, but also deal realistically with the damage that has been done by the wrongdoing
STEP FOUR: EXPERIENCE THE HEALING
we don’t know what happened with Philemon and Onesimus
only heaven will reveal the full truth about the end of the story
the fact that this letter made it into the Bible is a pretty good indication that Philemon indeed did forgive Onesimus
tradition has it that not only was Onesimus forgiven, but he later became pastor of the church in Ephesus
but I’ll tell you one thing
if Philemon indeed did forgive Onesimus, the one who benefited most was not the one forgiven, but the one who forgave
the fruits of that one act of forgiveness would have been far reaching within the early church, in the life of Onesimus, and certainly in the life of Philemon
and I say to you this morning: if you want to be blessed, if you want to experience the eternal blessings that come to the one who forgives, take the steps outlined in the book of Philemon
your heart will be set free, and you’ll never be the same
change your thinking
accept the person
deal with the damage
experience the healing
I want to invite you to respond this morning with a commitment
I don’t want this to be a message that we hear and file away
it’s time to forgive
I’m going to ask everyone in this auditorium to close their eyes
I’d like to pray a prayer with you this morning if you would like to take the four steps outlined this morning
let’s pray
Father, it’s time to forgive
I don’t know what the situations are here that call for forgiveness, but I know that your calling is clear
forgiveness is not optional
and this morning there are many of us in this room who need to forgive
our hearts will never be set free until we take that radical step of forgiving another person for the wrong that they have done to us
so right now I invite people to stand, right where they are, and by the simple act of standing pledge to you that they will forgive others
Lord, thank you for these people who are standing
I pray that today would mark a new day for them
I pray that they would indeed be able to change their thinking about the person they need to forgive
I ask that they would be able to accept the person that has wronged them – to stop holding grudges, to refuse to retaliate
I pray that you would give them wisdom as they deal with the damage that has been caused by the offense – that they wouldn’t excuse the wrong or minimize the damage, but that you would give them wisdom in their response
and I pray, most of all, that they would experience the blessings of forgiveness
right now, as they’re standing, set their hearts free
bring them healing
make this a day that they’ll never forget
I’ll ask everyone to stand at this point
Father, for everyone who is here, we pray for your grace and forgiveness to operate in their lives
we pray that every single person here will have experienced your forgiveness, and so be able to forgive other people
in Jesus’ name, Amen.
please remain standing
next week we’re going to finish off by looking at some practical questions about forgiveness, and then we’ll talk about the blessings of forgiveness
the praise team is going to lead us right now in singing:

I know a place, a wonderful place
Where accused and condemned find mercy and grace
Where the wrongs we have done, and the wrongs done to us
Were nailed there with him, there on the cross

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Forgiving Others (Philemon)