Darryl's Blog
Defining forgiveness
I've already had a great comment suggesting that the question of forgiveness is largely determined by how we define forgiveness. I think that's exactly right. Before we can know whether we are to forgive conditionally or unconditionally, it's important to know what forgiveness is.
The online Oxford dictionary defines forgiveness this way:
forgive
verb (past forgave; past part. forgiven) 1 stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence or mistake. 2 excuse (an offence, flaw, or mistake).
Some things that forgiveness is:
- Interpersonal - As Lewis Smedes said, there are many things that can hurt us - nature, circumstances, unjust systems - but we can only forgive people.
- About our response - The definition above deals with our response to an offense, not to the offense itself. In other words, the question is not an objective evaluation of the offense. It is about how we choose to respond to that offense.
According to this definition, forgiveness isn't some things:
- It's not understanding - We may be called to forgive some things we will never understand. We may also understand what has prompted some behavior, but not be ready to forgive. Forgiveness and understanding are two different things.
- It's not downplaying the offense - Forgiveness does not mean that we minimize what has happened or downplay it. It doesn't mean avoiding the issue. You can forgive someone and still allow the authorities to deal with the offense, for instance, in a legal matter.
- It's not forgetting - We will never forget some of the things we have to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean pushing something out of our minds; it means that we deal with our response in a certain way as we remember.
- It's not the same as restoration or reconciliation - Forgiveness may lead to restoration. You can forgive someone for stealing money from you, for instance, but you may not choose to keep them as your accountant anymore. It also is not the same as reconciliation. Two friends may forgive each other, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they will continue as best friends.
My main beef with this definition is that it is feelings based: to "stop feeling angry or resentful..." Forgiveness may lead to a change of feelings, but it doesn't begin there.
Maybe Wikipedia's definition is better:
Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.
We'll look at some Scripture in upcoming posts on the topic.
What do you think? How would you define forgiveness?
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These definitions tend to focus on the feelings and emotions of the person "forgiving". IMO, this is where these definitions lack. I would like to see more defintions that deal with the one who committed the trespass. Is he positionally forgiven without confessing?
Hi Jacob,
Would that be something different than forgiveness? Like reconciliation or restoration?
Maybe you're thinking of something like pardoning - "a remission of the legal consequences of an offense or conviction" or absolution - "formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment." That's not my definition of forgiveness, but I sense that's what some people are thinking of when they talk about forgiveness.
I like the phrase "wiped out" used in Acts 3:19.
It has been said that Love is not a feeling; it is an act of one's will. I think that is what has gone wrong with relationships and the Institution of Marriage these days. People are looking for, or relying on, that feeling. When it is absent, there is no commitment on which to base the relationship, and so it falls apart.
The same could, (and perhaps should,) be said about Forgiveness. It is not a feeling; it is an act of one's will; a choice.
Let's face it: I did not feel like forgiving my father for years of abuse. A victim of sexual abuse does not feel like forgiving the perpetrator. A parent does not feel like forgiving the person who drunkenly drove their child into a ditch and possibly to a premature death.
We may all be fully justified in feeling anger, or feeling a sense of betrayal, or feeling that somebody mistreated us, or feeling that life is not fair. People understand when we seek vengeance, or retribution. We cry out for justice to be done, - perhaps, in many cases, rightfully so.
A quick note: There is a huge difference between vengeance and justice.
“Vengeance” seeks retribution and retaliation; an eye for an eye, - or worse. (However, "Vengeance is mine.” says the Lord. - Romans 12:19 and Hebrews 10:30 quoting Deut. 10:30)
“Justice” seeks reconciliation and restoration; restitution and rehabilitation.
What forgiveness does is release the giver from the baggage that goes along with what happened to them. It frees the forgiver from the hold that the person responsible for the violation, (and any hold that the violation itself,) may have on the one who chooses to forgive.
Forgiveness does not release the recipient from the responsibility for the choices they made, (or for their actions.) Many are they who do not even acknowledge that they have done anything requiring forgiveness. It is still necessary however, for the perpetrator to pay the price, or the consequence, for that action, whether in a court of law, or on Judgment Day, or both.
That is what I love about The Gospel. Jesus not only forgave us, but He paid the price that we could not hope to pay. His death and resurrection releases us from the consequences of our sin and restores us to right-standing with Him.
Jacob:
"Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out." (Acts 3:19)
I'm wondering if that is more than forgiveness there. I'll try to do a post on that topic early next week.
Arthur:
Good insight - forgiveness does not start with feelings, although it eventually brings our feelings into line with what we have chosen.
Also a good insight into vengeance vs. justice.