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Just one month and 13 years ago I began the portion of my spiritual journey that I considered to be my calling: "pastor's wife". Over the past year everything that I have considered to be "ministry" has been shaken to the core. Life moments have not gone as I expected and I am discovering that where I came from and who I understood myself to be is not, in fact, where and who I am. My passion for my calling and all that I had thought that calling meant has washed away in the tide of my contemplations. My husband has sensed, and suffers from, my distance. It is time to start over - yet I do not understand what that means. I know that I teach our 2 & 3 year olds for the month of February and I appreciate the opportunity to work with children so young. These little ones are learning the most basic and beautiful of truths: God made me, God loves me, Jesus wants to be my friend forever and then there's playtime. It's a good place to start over: God, Jesus and playtime.

My fondest recollection of our recent trip to Cuba was the weather. If you follow Darryl's blog you know the highlights but the photo here is worth a second look! Coming back to Canada with -35 C weather really made me seriously say "Why do we continue to live here?" After all, there are alternatives, places where it is warmer, places by the ocean, places that don't get so cold that they have ice formations on the insides of the windows in their houses. So why stay? I told Darryl, "You have 3 years to get your next degree and then we're moving!" I was not completely kidding. I can list alot of rational reasons for making a move in this direction (South - and I'm not limiting myself to this particular continent!)

So my bubble burst when I reviewed my last blog entry and reread the part about not becoming comfortable in this world. Comfort Seeker - not part of the disciple job description. So... I'm crawling back on the alter, once again surrendered. Until God moves me I'm living to praise Him here - end of story.

Lately I've been following Soul Journey http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/sj/today.php. The devotional entries are geared to '20 somethings' - a category I passed some time ago - and the "destination points" are often not where I am challenged to grow. But here's the part that gets me. The daily devotionals lead me to scripture and there I find myself regularly tormented by what it means to follow Christ.

I Peter 2, "11Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. 12Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives." What does an exemplary life look like? Not long ago I overheard a friend of mine, a seeker, say that she was looking for "... someone who handled life differently because of their faith." She's not banging on my door with questions about faith and God and, quite frankly, knowing what she has gone through, I believe her to be a stronger person than I am.

The words "don't make yourselves cozy", are haunting because even in my most God-focused moments I am just that. Only a bit ago I could have and would have clearly articulated all of the standard "truths" that I have learned and found comfort (coziness?) in over the years. I could highlight the "exemplary life" with biographical and autobiographical sketches. But why, then, are the comforts of knowing, loving, worshipping and serving God having only the smallest of impact in a world so overflowing with need - it is as though there is a fundamental disconnect in translation.

I'm not looking for a litany of theology - this searching goes much deeper into the depths of my soul. What does a non-cozy redeemed life look like? In terms of working out my faith before others I am left perplexed, struggling... destination unknown.