I saw this album cover at the St. Lawrence Market last week. Too funny.

I wonder how many churches from that era used the same ad copy?

Your national anthem celebrates a battle against us. You even think you won that war.

You sometimes fly our flag upside down without even knowing it.

Mostly, you forget that we’re here, and when you do, you call us things like America’s hat.

But overall, we couldn’t ask for better neighbors. Happy Independence Day, eh.

As you may know, some 7,000 people are attending the Together for the Gospel Conference in Louisville, Kentucky today. You, like me, may not be one of them.

It’s easy at a time like this to start to get bitter. It’s like the dance that everyone attended in high school without you. Everybody cool is going to be there, which leaves you feeling like you naturally should be there too.

You can’t escape it. Yesterday I quickly pulled a shirt out from my dresser. At random, I found my T4G shirt from two years ago. I swear it was mocking me. Last night I dreamt that my friend Paul Martin – who was not planning to attend, and now is – was personally invited by Mark Dever to take the last spot before the conference sold out. Such is the sad state of my dream life.

To make it worse, this morning I read on Twitter that Fake John Piper and Jonathan McIntosh are fighting over pillows in their room. See what we’re missing?

How should you cope with not attending T4G? Hopefully better than I am, which qualifies me to offer the following advice:

Act Smug. Say that you don’t believe in conferences. All the wasted money and energy and time, not to mention the celebrity worship. You’re at home serving the Lord. Not that you’re judging anyone, of course. They may have been called to sit and soak. It’s just that you’ve been called to serve. We can’t all be ears in the body of Christ.

It’s hard to pull this off without coming across like a prideful wannabe, but with practice I’ve found this approach to be quite effective. (My wife just glared at me. What’s that about?)

Act Strategic. Say that you are going to instantly buy all the book giveaways on your Kindle the minute they announce them. Before they can crack open a book, you’ll have figured out what’s on the chairs through the power of Twitter, and you’ll be reading it instantly. No heavy suitcases of books to carry back. You’ll also listen to all the free audio from the conference. You’ll spend less time traveling and have all the benefits of attending, minus the cost – and some other minor things like all the relationships and the experience and the sense of corporate worship. But you’re cool with that. You’re simply being strategic.

Play the Security Card. It’s simply not safe for everyone important to be in one room. Instead, you’re home or at an undisclosed location. Say everyone gets a stomach virus – God forbid – and can’t preach this weekend. Who is Bethlehem Baptist going to call? Probably you. It’s a good thing you didn’t attend.

Yes, this makes you the Dick Cheney of T4G. Live with it.

There are undoubtedly many other ways you can cope with not being at T4G. Please know that I am there for you. We’ll get through this together.

I promised a more manly post today. This serves no other purpose than to keep that promise. Enjoy the laugh this Friday, and move on.

I’m just returning from vacation in the States right now. I always enjoy visiting America. We’re only a short distance away, but there are many things we can’t get back home:

• Target – I know it’s not for everyone, and I’ve heard more grumbling about it lately, but there nothing in Canada quite like Target. No visit to the States is complete without it.
• Cold Stone Creamery – We have something like it, but we don’t have Cold Stone. I love Cold Stone. It is, after all, “the ultimate ice cream experience.”
• The Kindle – It drives me crazy that there is this invisible line that separates us Canadians from the Amazon Kindle. When will Jeff Bezos take pity on us and let the Kindle cross the border to Canada?
• The Dollar Bill – We used to have the one dollar bill, but not anymore. It’s kind of fun to see it again.
• Reasonable Shipping – You have no idea how many times Canadians go to buy something that ships for free within the States, but costs a huge amount of money to ship to Canada – if at all. What’s that about?

I have to admit, though, that it’s nice to go home. Canada has lots of advantages. I don’t want to get cocky, so let me just list two:

• Colored Money – Americans, your money is monochrome. I know they’re adding color, but come to Canada to see how it’s really done.
• Tethering – It’s a small thing, but Rogers allows iPhone tethering, and AT&T doesn’t. We’re rarely ahead of you in bringing things to market first – but then again, the whole world seems ahead of AT&T right now.

I love America – but it’s good to be home.

Every time I start to take this blog too seriously, I need to remind myself that most searches that lead to this site have to do with bunnies.

I’ve been reading The Great Train Robbery by Michael Crichton, a novel based on true events. I’m glad I listened to Ian Clary and started reading this book.

I enjoyed reading about these “Rules for Office Staff” posted in a bank in 1854:

1. Godliness, cleanliness and punctuality are the necessities of a good business.
2. The firm has reduced the working day to the hours from 8:30 a.m. to 7 p.m.
3. Daily prayers will be held each morning in the main office. The clerical staff will be present.
4. Clothing will be of a sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in a raiment of bright color.
5. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring 4 lbs. of coal each morning during cold weather.
6. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from Mr. Roberts. The calls of nature are permitted and clerical staff may use the garden beyond the second gate. This area must be kept clean and in good order.
7. No talking is allowed during business hours.
8. The craving of tobacco, wines or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to the clerical staff.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens.
10. The managers of the firm will expect a great rise in the output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

And you thought your workplace was bad!

In a sign of the coming apocalypse, I have my own cooking show. Or something. I really can’t explain it.

Look at who she brought into this world.